i was never great

i was never great

did you know that?

at most, i was always fine.

but not great

—

even when i was great,

i would be filled with dread

—

can i win this?

—

can i survive?

—

can i make us work?

—

voices were always with me,

second guessing everything,

as that was their job description,

and i expected nothing less.

—

with every burden,

every encouragement,

every failure,

i knew that i was never great

—

i was always just fine

—

i can speak in front of juries

but not in front of friends

—

i can convince people when i don’t know what i’m talking about

but i can’t convince myself when i know i’m right

—

do you know how much i hurt myself

with unseen scars

with unseen thoughts

with unseen monsters

seeping within my heart

—

being emotionless was never about not having emotion

it’s about not knowing how to handle it

it’s about not understanding how it works

it’s about,

oh,

so that’s how it feels.

—

i was never great,

as i do not understand how it’s supposed to feel like

—

should it taste like chcolate?

should it feel like a warm hug from a loved one?

should it feel like a burn in my heart,

a pulled tendon,

a firework meeting the night?

—

or should it feel like falling to the deepest pit of earth,

driving through the darien pass,

swimming the arctic sea,

sleeping with a monster under your bed?

—

should it feel like your heart was pulled off your chest?

—

what is it to feel great?

—

or should it feel like you have warmth

from your friends

your lover

your family

—

at most, all i knew was fine

as i settled with everything

even when it makes me unhappy

at least i was fine

—

but

which one do i deserve?

—

do i deserve to be just fine?

—

or do i deserve being great?

—

i don’t want to be just fine

i want to be great

i want to be amazing

i want to be

i want to be

i want to… be.

—

is that too much to ask?

(d. 2020/8/20. 6pm.)